Befriending an ex’s friends reeks of revenge
I’VE just witnessed a friend go through a break-up.
There was a settlement of assets and a custody dispute.
They’d been together only five months, so there was no mortgage, no joint bank account and no offspring.
But it was a division as disruptive and confusing as if there were.
She’d left books at his place, asurfboard, Chloe pumps and anassortment of cosmetics.
He had left nothing at hers (a toothbrush doesn’t count) because he had rarely stayed the night – a prime catalyst for them breaking up in the first place.
She was prepared to write off the goods as collateral damage, but there was no avoiding the custody battle – over their friends.
Within weeks of them calling it off (technically, she did it but he asked for it), it became apparent he had designs on her friends.
There was no confusion about whose they were, because there hadn’t been enough time for lines to blur or for mutual friendships to form.
There was no fine line or shades of grey, but a clear demarcation where her friends began and ended, yet the ex tried to steal them for his own enjoyment.
He pilfered their e-mail addresses from a group e-mail and invited them to dinner.
He turned up to another of her friends’ parties, neglecting to pass on the joint invitation.
It wasn’t to hit on them, but because he couldn’t bear to let go.
He liked her friends more than he liked her.
It’s an unwritten rule when you forgo a relationship that you give up what was never yours in the first place.
Unless you have no heart, that is.
The dumper should bow out graciously, giving the dumpee breathing space to move on.
I know a bloke who trekked to Coogee on Sundays to give his ex free rein of Bondi’s cafes so she wouldn’t fear running into him.
That’s chivalry.
Unlike the bloke who refused to surrender rights to his ex’s book club, forcing her to find another.
One girl was shocked to be frozen out of her ex’s wine club, where she’d once sipped pinots with the best of them.
It’s our responsibility to minimise fallout by thinking ahead.
I’ve lost several copies of Conversations With God because I had a habit of lending it to boys who didn’t last.
Perhaps they needed it more than me.
Be honest.
Occasionally we leave things behind just as an excuse to maintain ties – just asthings are held to ransom to the same end. It once took me a year to get my earrings back.
Sometimes things are left behind to exact revenge.
It’s most disconcerting to find abathroom cabinet at your new boyfriend’s apartment stocked with tampons or, as happened to a friend, someone else’s underwear.
Befriending the ex’s friends reeks of the same motivation.
Like having coffee with their mum so they’ll report back how sweet we truly are.
It’s OK to stay in ex orbit only if the friends insist on it and all are happy.
But why would you want to when you’re trying to recover?
We, as friends, have some responsibility too.
You can claim torn conscience all you like, but it’s patently clear where allegiances lie, just as you know which side of the church to sit on at a wedding.
Take Courteney Cox snubbing Brad Pitt after he dumped Jennifer.
What fierce loyalty.
As a friend whose man left her for someone else said: “If friends choose to fraternise with someone who hurt me that badly, they either don’t believe me or they don’t care – and both are unacceptable.”