Abstinence makes heart fonder
LET’S talk about sex. Either everyone’s lying through their teeth, or it’s everyone else who’s having it, not them.
Married people like to quip that the game’s up as soon as the wedding’s done and dusted, secretly envying their single friends who they assume are bed-hopping on a nightly basis with an array of willing and available sex gods and goddesses.
Single people find this hard to fathom and a little depressing that their betrothed friends are partially celibate when there’s a permanent sexual partner sharing their bed.
What they’d give for that stab at intimacy. And regularity.
The stats tell otherwise: that couples have more sex (men 7.5 times a month and women 7.3 according to the Australian Study of Health and Relationships, although frequency does wane with the years), single people less often (men 6.7 times a month, women 2.7) but with more people.
Not necessarily all at once. So why this persistent cliche of the sex-starved married man living vicariously through his Lothario counterpart who’s getting more action because it turns out the wife’s not up for it ever since she scored the diamond?
There’s some truth in it, and even a sound evolutionary basis.
Studies show that fewer than half of women want regular sex four years in. After 20 years, only 20 per cent do.
Psychologists explain that female libido is initially high tofacilitate pair bonding, but plummets as soon as she’s in a secure relationship, whereas male sex drive is a constant. But guess what? It’s not so different for unmarrieds.
Sex-mad singles with prolific love lives is far from reality. They may not admit it but many endure long periods sleeping alone because it’s preferable to having sex with a stranger.
I know. I asked around.
What to do about sex is a dilemma for unattached people over 35 bored with one-night stands and not prepared to waste time on meaningless flings.
They’d love to be making love to someone significant but, until that person comes along, abstinence is a most appealing option. I, for one, would much rather be home with a good book than intimate with someone who means nothing to me.
No one’s died from lack of sex and, apart from procreation, it’s not a survival mechanism. If you’d never had it, you’d be none the wiser. But you have, and it’s hard to pretend you haven’t – and whoever said a vibrator is a fine substitute knows nothing about intimacy.
As one friend (10 months abstinent) laments, “Spooning and chatting after sex is the best part. Sex itself is purely physical, which you can do without.”
A male friend (four months) says he craves sex, but more so: “I miss wrapping my arms around someone in the morning and smelling her hair.”
At least there’s a tipping point for constant cravings. It seems the longer you go without, sexual desire eventually wanes.
Women pit six months as the moment you forget what you’re missing. But spare a thought for men, who think of sex constantly (every seven seconds).
Women (who think of it every seven days) don’t need it but want it. “It’s healthy, it’s harmless, and it’s one of life’s great pleasures,” says one (eight months without).
“It’s got to be one of nature’s most beautiful gifts,” says another (three months).
Men want it and need it. “It’s primeval” is the common justification. “We’re sowing seeds.” But even nature’s calling wears thin when it’s to no end.
Especially when you’re getting close to 40.